


Organizations, Empires, and gromit mugs galore

by EpicXemnasman



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, F.E.A.R. (Video Games), Kingdom Hearts (Video Games), Postman Pat (Cartoon), Top Gear (UK) RPF, Wolfenstein (Video Games)
Genre: Crossover, F/M, I have too much time on my hands, Potentially Offensive Language, Sexual Humor, Vanitas is a roadman, Very Canon Divergent, dark humour, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:01:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29090211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EpicXemnasman/pseuds/EpicXemnasman
Relationships: Roxas (Kingdom Hearts)/Original Character(s)
Kudos: 1





	Organizations, Empires, and gromit mugs galore

Xion was walking through the corridors of Organisation XIII’s headquarters – the castle that never was. Saix had informed her that she and Roxas were to have a day off; much to the Luna Diviners annoyance. Unfortunately for Xion, Roxas told her he had to go do something, have a debate with a mass of people or something. Xion had no idea what a ‘mass debate’ was but figured if it made Roxas happy, she was fine with it. She sighed sadly. Axel had gone off to go fight some 8-year olds who called him a stinky butthead on club penguin, and so the raven-haired girl had nobody to spend time with. Her stomach growled loudly, which drew Xion out of her train of thought. She decided she may as well have something to eat, and headed to the common room. She pushed the door open and her eyes widened in shock. Luxord, Lexaeus, Xigbar and Demyx were all wearing construction worker clothes, complete with orange hard hats. The group were carrying a fully sized Freddy Fazbears pizza place, and were in the process of lowering it down into a free space in the common room. A baby was also in the building for some reason, and the group of Nobodies lowered the Restaurant/Family entertainment place onto the infant. “Welp” Xigbar said. “That takes care of that.” Xion just looked on in shock, and backed out of the room. She jumped in surprise when she backed into someone. Xion spun round and saw Vanitas standing there. Vanitas wasn’t a nobody, but he was a part of organisation XIII. He was basically an edgelord cosplaying as the gold helmeted guy from daft punk. “Hey wagwan” Vanitas said. “I like ya cut G” he continued. “But I haven’t had a haircut.” Xion said incredulously. She moved around the guy and walked into his Honda Civic EK9, which subsequently evaporated. “Vanitas I am so, so sorry!” Xion said, hoping he wouldn’t go mad and attack her. Vanitas just looked at her through his helmet. “You absolute egg bruv” Vanitas said before jumping out of a window and landing on some pram with a baby in it. Vanitas was fine. The baby? Not so much. Xion was confused as hell. “What the heck is going on here?” she thought to herself. She decided she should ask Xemnas. He’d know what to do. She figured he’d be in the round room, and that’s where she went. The sight that befell her when she entered was so incredibly strange her mouth metaphorically dropped to the floor. There, in the round room was Xemnas. But he was standing still, no facial expression with his arms outstretched like a T. The room was filled with pillows with… Xion on them? Not just Xion either. Namine, Kairi and Aqua. They were all seated at tables and chairs neatly set out, with cheese, wine and crackers all laid out. “Uhhh, Mr Xemnas?” Xion asked politely. Xemnas simply spun round in response. “Suddenly, something fell. Roxas was also there. Except it wasn’t Roxas it was actually Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7. He was sipping some wine while having a polite conversation with Richard Hammond about the best way to restore the Ottoman Empire and begin the 17th Reich in Antarctica. Not just that, but a guy named Joe Mama was on the Xbox 2, halo boogaloo playing dead by Daylight with the republican senate, led by Hitlers evil son Robert. Xion politely asked Xemnas if she could have something to eat, and and xemnas spun around, still T posed. She took some crackers and cheese and returned to her room. In her room, was Zexion, who was in her bed, reading a story about a tiger who came to tea. “Zexion?” Xion asked. Zexion stopped reading, looked at her, and said, in the voice of Wallace, from Wallace and Gromit: “it's no use prevaricating about the bush” And then walked out of the room. Xion was confused and tired. She ate the food she took and then decided to just go to bed, wake up the next day and hope it wasn’t as weird. She decided to take a shower first, and so that’s what she did. When she finished in the shower, she went to get her clothes back on. Except they weren’t there. She sighed. They must’ve been stolen by another organization member, more specifically Terry the Terranort and his sidekick Whally the Whale. Suddenly, the door burst open and Xion yelped in surprise. Roxas stumbled in, completely hammered. “He must’ve gone to the bar with Ansem” Xion thought. Roxas just looked at her, and said “You’re pretty” and walked towards her, but not before falling over a pile of clothes. Except it wasn’t a pile of clothes it was the body of former US president JFK. Roxas then fell asleep.  


Meanwhile, demyx, Luxord, Xigbar and Lexaeus were eating at the Freddy Fazbears Pizza they had stolen. They had no idea why the stole an entire building, but they did. A few kids were in there, and they told one to climb into the mouth of the golden Freddy. The kid didn’t want to but Xigbar decided to lift him up and put his head in the mouth of the animatronic. The animatronic bit down and the kid stopped moving for some reason. “Lmao imagine falling asleep at Freddy Fazbears pizza. What a non pogchamp” Xigbar thought. The pool of blood leaking from the kid was concerning, but Xigbar figured the kid just hit his head or something. Although when the Golden Freddy bit down, a voice yelled “WAS THAT THE BITE OF 87” which Xigbar thought was odd. But decided to ignore it. The kid was probably fine. The Nobody team were sharing 12 Pizzas and a lot of soda. Luxord wasn’t eating much. Just gambling with some of the children, and forcing the ones who lost to eat some plastic dice. He was slightly annoyed though since none of these children knew how to gamble and he was running out of plastic dice. Lexaeus was playing Jetpack joyride. Demyx nearly made his stomach explode since he ate so much pizza. He was currently asleep. Xigbar heard a choking noise and turned around. One of the kids was choking on one of the plastic dice that Luxord forced him to eat. The kid was also an Asthmatic or something. “Lmao. Just do better at gambling smh” Xigbar thought. His iphone 4000 buzzed. The iphone 4000 was invented by Ellen Degeneres during the fall of the second Soviet Union in the year 1776 (New York city). Xigbar saw that an 8-year-old on Reddit had said that he liked Fortnite. “Oh, I don’t think so. No fortnite normies on my watch!” Xigbar decided to teach the kid a lesson about having an opinion and began to write a 130000-word death threat. 

Meanwhile, Xaldin was in the only barbers in the world that never was, fixing his facial hair. He paid the guy running the place 0.5 cents and then walked out. He looked at a picture of Mike Wazowski and decided to return to the castle. When he returned he found vanitas kicking some fat woman. Xaldin thought to himself “I can’t let this happen!” and began helping Vanitas. When the two had achieved victory, they went to the bakery, which was run by Marluxia. Marluxia was busy baking a chocolate birthday cake for a six-year-old. Vanitas walked up to the counter and said “Ay wagwan my slime. You got any of that brioche on you?” Marluxia turned around, and said “It’s over there” pointing to a shelf which only had brioche. Vanitas sprinted over. Marluxia said to Xaldin “I bake cakes to make people happy! Children, adults, anybody! I’m also a gardener! My entire existence is based around making people feel better when they’re down!” Xaldin looked Marluxia in the eye and said “I ruined 5 perfectly happy relationships in the space of 3 days.” The two laughed and then ate some brioche. Vanitas got put into a coma because too much brioche. The brioche was actually stale so it was hard to eat. The three gifted it to Richard Hammond, who used it to lead his military coup of Antarctica. Vanitas was still in a coma but that didn’t stop them from using his body as a mode of transportation. For brioche and propane specifically.  


Luxord was annoyed. He had run out of plastic dice. “Honestly people need to start teaching their children to gamble.” He said to Xigbar who was trying to figure out how to bypass smoothwall since he stole a guys laptop. Demyx was awake and was trying to play his Sitar. That kid who got put in the animatronics mouth was still sleeping. There was more blood surrounding him now. Xigbar was starting to wonder if the kid was alright. “Hey Xiggy” said a voice. Xigbar turned around and kicked Demyx in the face. “Call me ‘Xiggy’ again and I will kick your toenails into your eyeballs” Xigbar said. “Sorry” Demyx replied meekly. Luxord was currently throwing his playing cards at the children, and Lexaeus had finally beaten the world record on Jetpack Joyride.  
Meanwhile, Roxas and Xion were talking about ways to stop the spread of Capitalism across the United States of America. The two donned Cold war Soviet era gear, and carried PPSH-41 Submachine Guns. “Maybe we could evenly distribute ice creams?” Roxas said. “Yes” Xion responded. They then adjourned the meeting. Somewhere else in the castle, another meeting was taking place. Xemnas, Sephiroth, Richard Hammond and Xemnas’ collection of anime body pillows were all discussing how to correctly do a military coup of Antarctica. Hammonds genius was scaring Sephiroth, while Xemnas was pretty sure it was generating gravity, either that or Xemnas’ T pose was starting to weigh him down. Sephiroth and Hammond were sipping tea from plastic Winnie the Pooh themed cups, which were laid out on a Thomas the Tank Engine themed picnic blanket. The super soldier and the genius were sitting on colourful, polka dot bean bags, while Xemnas simply stood on his chair, T posing. Suddenly the door burst open, and Xaldin, Marluxia ran in, pushing a comatose Vanitas who was seated on a Tonka Truck. The Tonka Truck was dragging an ASDA trolley along, and the trolley was filled to the brim with freshly baked Brioche. The Nobodies, the super soldier and the genius all had some brioche, which made the tea party less boring. Vanitas was being force fed Brioche by Marluxia since he was in a coma. 

Meanwhile Ansem, Larxene and Vexen were all in the laboratory, and they were doing experiments on a girl who they accidentally kidnapped while travelling in the Ansemmobile. Larxene was drinking some vodka, Ansem was doing some magic or something and Vexen was trying to find away to put deku’s powers in the girl. The trio accidentally took the Ansemmobile to Dekus house and they kidnapped him. They were presently trying to surgically infuse Dekus powers with the girl, by using a mix of Soda, Alcohol, blood, and also tea leaves. It wasn’t working. Vexen was pretty sure Deku was dead but that didn’t stop him. Suddenly, Dekus body exploded. Vexen and the others were fine, but they decided to leave the room because it was stinky.  


“Ay wagwan bruv what happened” Vanitas said, tiredly. “You fell into a brioche induced coma” Marluxia responded. “Aight cool” said Vanitas. Marluxias phone buzzed. It was his little sister Strelitzia. “Ah Strelitzia!” He said happily. “How are you?” After about a 6 hour conversation, he put the phone down. “Yo bro was that your sister?” Vanitas asked. “Yeah” Marluxia responded. “Is she fit?” The roadman asked. “Yes” Marluxia said. Suddenly, sweet home alabama began blasting through the castle, then stopped. Sephiroth was there, sipping his tea through his Eeyore themed cup which was given to him by Xemnas. Xemnas rarely gave away prized possesions, but always kept his gromit mug. The gromit mug was a weapon from ancient times, and it was believed that it’s power could wipe out entire armies. It was prophesised that “On that fated land, a great war shall transpire. Where darkness prevails, and the light expire.” It is believed that when the prophecy comes, the power of the gromit mug shall be unleashed on the Nazi legions controlled by Xehanort, Jeremy Clarkson and Adolf Hitler, but shall wipe out everybody regardless of faction. Presently though, this weapon of mass destruction was being used as a regular mug. “This is some epic tea.” Sephiroth said, while offering a maryland cookie to one of Xemnas’ anime body pillows. “Yes.” Hammond said, before throwing a glass jar at a schoolchild who had somehow entered the room. “Yo my slime you should be more careful.” Vanitas said, while drinking a cherry flavoured Jack Daniels. Except he wasn’t and was just pouring the beverage on the visor of his helmet. Marluxia was using his scythe to cut through the brioche he had baked, but he couldn’t since it was so stale it was practically a nokia. Speaking of kias, an ikea sized kia shop had been opened, and everybody knew Axel was going there to fight the 8 year olds who insulted him on club penguin. Those kids may have had the rarest puffles. But puffles weren’t gonna do much against a pair of chakrams and a Molotov cocktail.  


Roxas and Xion lay on the latter’s bed, sweat running down their face, as the breathed heavily. “Wow! That was amazing! We should do that again!” Roxas said happily. Anybody who watched the two best friends have fun knew that Roxas lasted longer than Xion, as surprising as that is. They were both exhausted after a long, hard round of Rainbow Six Seige, and they were both laying down to calm down after that stressful match on Hereford Base. “Yeah, we should. I’ll try not to die so quickly next time” Xion said grinning. Suddenly, the door burst open and Zexion burst in again, holding his book while screeching incoherently. He then walked out of the room, and fell into the void because there was a gap in the door and if you fall through it you get banished to the dark realm. The librarian of death then exited the void, and likely had PTSD since down there was everybody’s worst nightmare (In zexions case the burning of the Library of Alexandria.) He opened his awesome book of doom and decided to start reading his 2500 word fanfiction which followed the adventures of a man named Mr Blankley as he went on a journey to stop the middle east oil production. 

Meanwhile in the Ansemmobile, Ansem was yelling about feminism and Ben Shapiro while some cringey anime intro blared through the radio. Ansem being the wholesome guy that he is let passerby’s touch the Ansemmobile. While it was moving at full speed. He felt a bit guilty about accidentally kidnapping the girl that was in the trunk of his vehicle but it wasn’t his fault. She wanted to see her parents but they were dead. He had to help her. He felt especially guilty since he was the one who orphaned her in the first place. Her parents were the ones who decided to go for a picnic that day it wasn’t his fault. “Oh yeah I love this song” Ansem said when the Ninjago theme began playing. “Uhhh Ansem” Larxene said. “Who are you” Ansem replied. “I’m in your car” Larxene said. “Okay” Ansem responded. But not before committing 5 accounts of vehicular manslaughter in the 4 seconds it took for him to come up with that response. The scary voice in his head said Ansem got a “Killionaire” which Ansem thought was good. He hoped to get a nobel peace prize for being the first person to get this award. Ansem didn’t realize he had left New York. In fact, the Ansemmobile was now in the middle of the Fall of the 16th Reich. Ansem ran over a few Iranian child soldiers, and then left the city. 

Meanwhile in the Castle that was castle oblivion but also not castle oblivion.  
Ventus was relaxing in his room, reading a story about how the replica forces took over Dakar. Suddenly, there was a knock on his bedroom door. “Coming!” Ventus said brightly. He opened the door, and his face fell. “Ayyy wagwan bro” Said Vanitas’ lingering spirit, which was literally just Vanitas but had white accents instead of red and had his emblem engraved into his helmet. “V-Vanitas?” Ventus said incredulously. “What are you doing here?” Vanitas stepped into the room. “I just wanna see my lil bro is that a problem?” Ventus stuttered “W-what for?” VLS sighed. “You absolute spoon. Your dad got wrecked by my dad, and now they’re both in prison. So now im crashing with you bruv.” Ventus sighed. VLS sat down on Ventus’ bed and took out his iphone 4000. “Yoooo my boy you like that Aqua chick?” VLS said. Ventus blushed “N-no! We-we’re just friends!” VLS grunted. "Yeah I know that. You just got a crush on her you absolute bicycle.” He shook his head in annoyance. “If you keep being an awkward little battyman, you never gonna get into her.” Ventus’ mouth dropped open. “Vanitas! Don’t say that!” he said, his face redder than original vanitas’ keyblade. VLS shrugged and said “Whatever. Just stop being a little idiot yeah?” Ventus pouted angrily. “Well I’m sorry, but not everyone can collect girls like they’re goddamn infinity stones.” VLS cocked his head like a dog. Then laughed. “MY GUY YOU REALLY ACTING LIKE I CAN GET A FEMALE YA ABSOLUTE TOASTER I CAN’T EVEN GET A CAT TO LIKE ME” he yelled, clutching his stomach and laughing madly. “What’s going on in here?” Said a voice behind them. The two spun round and Saw Aqua standing in the doorway, wearing her pajamas, with a cup of coffee in her hand. She looked at VLS. “Vanitas? What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were in the organizations castle?” Vanitas said “Well bab I am. My body is. I’m just his spirit.” Aqua raised an eyebrow, and then sighed and walked out of the room. Ventus looked over at VLS and said “See? She doesn’t like me the same way I like her.” and VLS responded “My guy I wasn’t looking at her face.” Ventus sighed in annoyance and picked up a picture of Obama. Suddenly, VLS cried out in pain. Ventus spun round. “Vanitas? What’s wrong?” VLS clutched his chest and looked up. “It’s my body back at the castle. Its under attack!” 

Back at the castle that never was  
“I AM XEMNAS AND YOU WILL NEVER GET MY TAX RETURNS YOU COOKIE CUTTING CHEESE PUFF LOOKING NINNIES” Xemnas yelled, cutting down a pair of Nazis with his lightsaber hands. Sephiroth was taking down a pair of Panzerhunds, while Hammond smacked a soldier with his Winnie the Pooh mug. “Why are the Nazis here?” Sephiroth asked. “THEY WANT MY GROMIT MUG” Xemnas screeched. “THEY WILL NEVER GET IT!” Suddenly, 5 heavy armored Nazi soldiers entered the room. Xemnas’ eyes narrowed, and some epic Japanese anime music began playing. He floated up into the air, and the camera zoomed in on his eyes, which were now red. His coat was now black and white. He yelled “究極のフォーム：忘却のTポーズ。 ダイ-ナチス” Before T posing, and destroying the Nazis. Xaldin, Marluxia and Vanitas ran into the round room, and threw a piece of stale brioche at a soldier, whose head exploded. “There’s more fighting throughout the castle” Xaldin said. “We must not let them get their hands on the gromit mug. If they do, all chances of beating Xehanort, Jeremy Clarkson and Hitler will be lost.” Xemnas said. Vanitas asked “what the hell do we do with that cup my guy? Those Nazi battymans aint gonna stop until they get that ting.” Xemnas nodded. “I will take it to the hideaway. They will not find it there. The rest of you rally the dusks and unversed for a counterattack. I will rejoin you when I can.” The gang nodded, and went to do their respective tasks. 

Xigbar, Lexaeus, Demyx and Luxord were mildly annoyed. They were just about to get their second round of pizza, but a bullet pierced the Freddy fazbear animatronic and broke it. It dropped the pizza and It went all over the floor. Turns out a load of Nazi soldiers had launched a surprise attack on the castle, and were hell bent on taking something that belonged to Xemnas. Xigbar was currently using a few kids as human shields, which he was pretty sure was a war crime but war crimes don’t matter if you’re the good guys *coughcoughhiroshimacoughcough.* Demyx was in the process of beating up a soldier with his Sitar, and lexaeus was throwing a table at a Panzerhund. Luxord was giving the Nazi soldiers papercuts with his cards, and was using his dice to trip them over like they were in some weird Wolfenstein fever dream episode of Tom and Jerry. “They keep coming!” Demyx said, before using his Sitar to drown a Flammenwerfer-Soldat. Xigbar nodded “Yeah! More fun for us though! I’ve been wanting to fight these guys for ages!” He yelled, before using his two arrowguns to shoot down a charging Panzersoldat mech. The big suit stopped moving and then fell apart like a lego build. 

*NOTE: The nazis in this are the variations from Wolfenstein TNO, Wolfenstein TNC and that other one we don’t talk about* 

Roxas and Xion were both scared. They were just about to have another round of Rainbow Six Siege when three Nazis broke down the door. Zexion attempted to read them his story, but they ripped up his book and beat the hell out of him. Xion was hiding behind roxas, who was holding his bottle of Belle Delphine gamer girl pee. He threw the bottle at the Nazis, who immediately collapsed and died. “YES!” Roxas yelled. “REDDIT WINS AGAIN!” Xion hugged him, and the two went up to Zexion to try and help him. Turns out it wasn’t actually Zexion. It was an illusion. Zexion was actually in their wardrobe, eating a burger. “Ah you beat them. Good job!” Said the emo. “Let’s go find Saix!” He said. The unusual trio walked out of the room and went to the staircase everybody knew saix sat on to mast-Look at the moon for hours on end. A load of dead Nazis indicated that Saix had already won the fight. He was at the staircase, claymore in hand, and was in the process of swinging it to break the armor of a Nazi soldier. “Ah Roxas, Xion, Zexion” He said looking at them. I see your sex education session with Zexion went well. Zexion frowned as Xion and Roxas blushed. Zexion said “I am an illusionist, not a teacher. Get it memorized.” He said. Now it was Saix’ turn to frown. “That lines not you.” He said. Zexion grinned. “Well” he shrugged. “Had to give it a shot y’know.” 

Vanitas had just unleashed a load of flood Unversed, and they were swarming a group of Nazi soldiers. The screams of the soldiers made the roadman smile. He summoned his keyblade, now called ‘the shank of destiny’ and hit a Nazi so hard it evaporated. “YES! TAKE THAT YOU ABSOLUTE BATTYMAN.” The roadman yelled. Suddenly more Nazis entered the room and shot all the Flood Unversed and turned their guns on Vanitas. Suddenly, a voice yelled: “LUCARIO GOES TO SUBWAY” Vanitas looked up. It was the legendary Velfern driving his time travelling cheese and onion crisp packet. He ran over the Nazi soldiers. “Wagwan my guy” Vanitas said. “I was gonna clap them. Why’d you take them out before I could use my shank?” Velfern looked at him and said “Because EEEEEE” Vanitas responded “Aight my slime I get that.” Velfern said “Listen bro I aint got much time. The Krabby Patty formulae is in this castle, and we can’t let the Nazis get it.” Vanitas said “Yo my bro I wish I could help you but these mans are going for my boy Xemnas’ gromit cup and I aint letting them do that.” Velfern responded “If you help me I will ask Aqua to put you between her thighs.” Vanitas made a shocked expression under his helmet. “Aight my guy we got a deal lemme just summon my G.” He got on his iphone 4000 and said “OI SKULD GET IN HER BAB.” Skuld (who was there for some reason) walked in, and Vanitas immediately began to {DATA EXPUNGED} her as velfern looked on horrified.  
Meanwhile, Zexion was reading a fanfiction to Roxas and Xion. “OH ROXAS SQUIRT THAT SEA SALT ALL OVER ME UWU NOTICES BULGE OWO” He screeched as he read the story. Roxas and Xion were bright red and were trying to drown him out. Saix was elsewhere, giving Nazi soldiers permanent brain damage.  


Ventus and VLS were sitting in the back seat of the FIAT punto. Aqua was in the driver’s seat, since neither Ventus or VLS could drive. Aqua got the FIAT punto when Terra left them all to join organization XIII. Aqua was now wearing her combat gear because she figured there’d be trouble. Without any warning, she slammed her foot on the brake. “WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA YA ABSOLUTE SPOON?” VLS yelled. “Why don’t you ask that idiot?” Aqua responded, annoyed. In front of the car was Axel, his chakrams caked in the blood of various 8 year olds. He was holding 12 bags full of subway footlong meatball with cheese and a pinch of sea salt, and his hair was blue for some reason. “Heyyyyy Aqua baby how’s it going?” Axel said. “Want subway footlong meatball with cheese and a pinch of sea salt?” Aqua’s eyes narrowed in confusion. “No you absolute moron I don’t want a Subway footlong meatball with cheese and a pinch of sea salt.” She said angrily. “Y’sure? They’re really good!” Axel said. VLS leaned out of the window and yelled “OY YA ABSOLUTE SPANNER GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR WAY OR WE’RE GONNA CLAP YOU.” Axel looked on, unfazed. “It looks like you’re going somewhere. Can I join?” Aqua was going to yell at him, but Ventus said “Yeah sure! You can come!” Axel smiled and jumped into the car through the window. Aqua looked at him and said “If you mess with us, I’m going to make sure you get thrown into a prison cell with very, very intimate prisoners.” Axels eyes widened in horror “No please. Not them! Not again!” Aqua grinned. “12 guys Axel. 12 guys.” Axel was hiding behind one of the subway footlong meatball with cheese and a pinch of sea salt bags. “OKAY OKAY I UNDERSTAND.” Aqua’s grin widened. “Besides, with hair like that there’s a lot to grab.” Axel began to cry into one of the bags of subway footlong meatball with cheese and a pinch of sea salt. Finally satisfied, Aqua continued to drive.

Marluxia and Xaldin were cutting down Nazi after Nazi. “There are too many of them!” Marluxia yelled, throwing 5 pieces of stale brioche at oncoming soldiers. “Don’t worry’ responded Xaldin. “They’ll run out of men soon!” he threw one of his lances at an oncoming Nazi, and made a little Deutschen Döner out of them. Suddenly, a gekreuzigte Drohne blew the main gate to the castle down, and began raining hell on the Nobody guards. Xaldin and Marluxia nodded, and charged forward, and began to engage the arachnid looking droid with their weapons. Unfortunately, Stale brioche and 6 spears were not doing anything to advanced Nazi technology, so the two had to retreat. The two were able to help a few Nobody beserkers take down some Schwerer Schock Troopers, who were causing chaos. Eventually, the two made it to Marluxia’s special garden where he grew only the most beautiful flowers in the world. Unfortunately, it was in ruins. Tears welled up in Marluxias eyes as he saw the devastation. “How do you like the new place pinky?” Said a voice. The duo turned around and saw Jeremy Clarkson standing before them, protected in a heavily modified panzer exo suit. Marluxia summoned his scythe and rushed Clarkson, who laughed and fired a bolt of electricity at the pink haired nobody. Xaldin threw his spears, but they had no effect on Clarkson’s armor. Clarkson activated the suits booster pack, and charged at Xaldin, but the nobody was ready. He used his wind powers to push the former Bottom Gear presenter back. Clarkson grunted. “You think a little breeze will stop me?” Said the Nazi, before activating the exo suits long range grenade launcher. 10 tiny grenades flew out of the back, and landed near Xaldin. The Nobody jumped back just as they exploded. Xaldin then put his 6 spears together, creating a double-sided lance. He rushed Clarkson and began slashing at the suit with the lance. Clarkson however was relatively unfazed by this, and fired a sonic blast at Xaldin. The whirlwind lancer was thrown backwards and hit one of Marluxias flowerpots. Clarkson laughed. “I would waste my time here beating you losers up, but my boss told me to get my job done quickly.” Xaldin grunted. “You’re not getting that gromit mug. As long as I’m alive, you will never get it!” He threw a single spear at Clarkson, who simply caught it. “I’ll be seeing you.” He said, and walked off. Xaldin rushed to help Marluxia, who was crying. “M-my f-f-flowers! WHY!” the pink haired nobody yelled in anguish. “We’ll get our revenge my friend. But for now, we must press on. We cannot let them get the gromit mug.” Marluxia nodded, and the two left the gardens, and headed to Marluxias bakery. 

Meanwhile, Xigbar, Luxord, Lexaeus and Demyx were pushing the Nazis out of the Freddy Fazbears Pizza place. “We have them!” Luxord said, throwing three cards at some soldiers and giving them severe papercuts. “Yeah but it’s not over yet!” Replied Xigbar as he made holes in a Panzerhund. “We still need to push them out of the castle!” Luxord grinned. “Well lets make sure these fools lose this bet!” Demyx was locked in melee combat with a Nazi with a Falchion sword. Demyx kicked the Nazi backwards and then hit him with the spikes on his sitar. “We can do this, we just need to push forward!” Demyx yelled. “Luxord, Xigbar it’s time for some team attacks! Use arrowcard!” Everybody stopped and stared at Demyx. “Excuse me but what in the hot crispy Kentucky fried FECK is arrowcard?” Yelled Xigbar. Demyx faltered. “It’s your team attack with Luxord!” Demyx replied. Luxord shook his head. Some of the Nazis began to laugh and Lexeaus hit them with a table. “If you say ‘arrowcard’ again Demyx, I will kick your nonexistent ovaries into your eyeballs.” Xigbar growled. Demyx sighed sadly. “Okay. Whatever you say.” He muttered. Xigbar rolled his one eye then shot a few Nazis. 

MEANWHILE IN THE NAZI CITY OF NEW ALBION – SOME LADY IS SINGING A SONG ABOUT HOW THE NAZIS KEEP THE POPULATION IN CHECK

Meanwhile we come back to the fourth and final act (lmao nope)  
Sora got himself a trophy wife and had  
A daughter who he named Lizzy and she came  
To age in a city that is now a police state

New Albion today is a harsh and martial place  
The riots destroyed buildings, streets and throughways  
The City took control through a state of martial law  
That remains to this day as troops of armored cops patrol

(We follow a young recruit being accepted into the militarized police service)

NAZI SOLDIER 7285:  
And on this day of my enlistment  
I shed my skin of will and innocence  
I pledge allegiance and devotion  
I’ll be the power that you flex

I am your arm of execution  
I am the trigger of your gun  
I am the binding and the order  
My duty to you has begun

NARRATOR:  
Random searches are the law, looking for remaining dolls  
And if found execution is immediate for all  
Any token of the dead, whether relative or friend  
Is forbid and if found you may or may not be seen again

Rikus still around and he's with young lizzy now  
They sit and hide together deep within the family house  
They spend their days resigned from the brutal world outside  
And play a never ending game of cards to pass to time 

MEANWHILE IN XEMNAS’ PRIVATE ROOM  
“Ooohhhhh yeah that’s the stuff” Xemnas moaned, as his hands were massaged by his personal hand massage robot. “Right there, right there OHHHHH YESSSS” He yelled as his hands reached peak relaxation. He stopped the hand massage and got up. “What was I doing again? Oh yeah the castles under attack.” He said to himself. He got his Ethereal Blades and walked out of the massage room. The gromit mug was safely stored away, and Xemnas decided he should join the battle. He saw a pair of Nazi soldiers, and cut them down with his Ethereal Blades. “Simple and clean.” He said to himself. Suddenly, a voice yelled “I SIMPLE AND CLEANED YOUR MOM” as a 6-year-old charged at him with a fortnite pickaxe. Xemnas rolled his eyes and shot him with the death orb of happiness. The child died. F in chat. Suddenly, 5 Nazis showed up and drew their keyblades. Xemnas’ eyes widened in shock mild surprise. Nazis could use keyblades now? No. This can’t be true. And yet it was. Suddenly a voice yelled. “MESS WITH MY COMRADE AND I WILL SMACK YOU” It was Ansem! And Larxene! And Vexen! And some red haired haired girl in a white dress who was tied and gagged? Something was odd about her. Ansem rose into the air and yelled “МЕГА РАЗРУШЕНИЕ ТЕМНЫЙ ШАР ТЬМЫ И РАЗРУШЕНИЯ!” and launched a МЕГА РАЗРУШЕНИЕ ТЕМНЫЙ ШАР ТЬМЫ И РАЗРУШЕНИЯ at the Nazis. The Nazis all died which made Xemnas not annoyed. He looked at Ansem. “Cheers” he said. Ansem nodded. “I hate to be that person” Said Larxene. “No you don’t” Vexen responded which made Larxene glare at him so hard the scientist turned to stone. “As I was saying” Larxene said “Shouldn’t we be like, stopping fascism or something?” Ansem and Xemnas nodded in agreement, while Vexen did nothing since he was still a statue. The gang carried Vexen with them, out of the room and went to join the fight. 

After Vanitas had finished {DATA EXPUNGED} Skuld, the two jumped into Velferns Cheese and Onion crisp packet and set off to find the Krabby Patty secret formulae. Suddenly, Velfern stepped on the pedal of magic and a load of cheese and onion crisps flew out the back of the packet. The vehicle charged forward and turned a squad of Nazis into a fine red mist. “NOW THAT’S EPIC” Velfern yelled. Vanitas said “YES MY GUY WE GOING AT THE SPEED OF MY MAN USAIN BOLT INNIT” Vanitas yelled. Skuld was feeling pretty sick. One reason was because they were literally speeding through a castle and doing tight turns every 5 seconds, but also because all of Vanitas’ {REDACTED} was inside her stomach and it was making her feel pretty queasy. 12 seconds later, the Samuel L Satnav said “You’ve arrived at your destination motherflipper” (Velfern had child friendly mode on so as not to alert the school or anything) Vanitas sighed. “My slime that was proper fun yeah, we should do that ting again.” He said. Velfern nodded and then pulled out his weapon. A Santa Claus themed AR 15. “He wears rosy red, he shows no remorse, he will stop the Nazi force, Santa Claus will gun them all down.” Velfern sang. Before charging some Nazis and erasing them. Vanitas drew the Shank of Destiny and charged some more Nazis. Skuld tried to stand, but her stomach gave a sharp pain and she cried out. Vanitas turned around “Yo is you good?” He said. “N-no” Skuld said. “M-my tummy is killing me.” Everybody stopped. The Nazis stopped shooting, Velfern stopped trying to drown a 5 year old dressed as Buzz Lightyear, and everybody stared at the Starstruck Striker. “Did you really just say ‘tummy’ instead of stomach?” Velfern asked, as the 5 year old stopped struggling, a load of bubbles rising to the surface of the water, and then stopped moving entirely. Skuld pouted and said “Well I’m sorry why don’t you ask Vanitas to stop {DATA EXPUNGED} in me. Like seriously I really don’t need his {REDACTED} inside me every goddamn day just because he has no idea how to {DATA EXPUNGED} like sure it feels good but it’s salty as hell and I really don’t need the taste of fortnite players in my mouth all the time alright?” She ranted. Vanitas started to cry. So did Velfern. So did the Nazis. Everybody was crying in fear because she was scary when angry. One of the Nazis decided that he didn’t want to live life anymore. “Oh great. You made them cry” said a voice. It was Jeremy Clarkson! He was in his Panzersoldat armor and he was ready to fight. “To be fair it was never about the Mug. It was about the swagger. And your swagger is exaggerated enough.” Vanitas drew the shank of destiny and rushed the bottom gear presenter. “Imma clap this battyman” he yelled but then got punched so hard he flew into a nearby wall. Velfern fired at Clarkson but the bullets bounced off. “Well slap a turkey with a candy cane and call me blankley this man is bulletproof!” The Christmas loving legitimate businessman and occasional mall Santa noted. “You shouldn’t rush him like that my slime!” Vanitas yelled, despite doing the exact same thing seconds before. “I saw how you {DATA EXPUNGED} her Vanitas” Clarkson said. “I think it’s time to {DATA EXPUNGED} you. I’ll do it by {REDACTED} and then I’ll {REDACTED} and force you to {DATA EXPUNGED} all while taking your girlfriend and {REDACTED} because she is cute af and she needs a good {REDACTED}” Vanitas looked at him and said “my guy all you said was REDACTED and DATA EXPUNGED and REDACTED, like bro if your gonna speak at least say something other than whatever the hell that was.” Clarkson rolled his eyes, then fired a bolt of electricity and it hit Vanitas. “GOD DAMMIT MY DAFT PUNK COSPLAY YOU ABSOLUTE SPOON.” The Roadman yelled. His helmet was broken, revealing his face. It was literally Soras but edgy. “You’re an actual egg bro wtf” Vanitas said. “Well, you are a saucy boy.” Clarkson replied. “WHAT YOU EGG” Vanitas yelled, and stabbed him with the shank of destiny. Except he didn’t since stainless steel isn’t good again Nazi heavy armour. Clarkson kicked Vanitas and then walked over to Skuld. He picked the girl up by her arm and was about to punch her, when Velfern hit Clarkson’s armour so hard, it buckled, making Clarkson drop Skuld and fall to his knees. He turned around to face Velfern. Except, it wasn’t. It was Sephiroth! Clarkson growled in anger, and fired some electric bolts at Sephiroth. Sephiroth blocked the bolts effortlessly and rushed Clarkson, slashing the armor with his Katana. The Nazi was unfazed by this and when he had an opening, he punched sephiroth in the gut. Sephiroth cried out, but wasn’t hurt too badly. Clarkson activated his exo suits flamethrower, and attempted to burn Sephiroth. Sephiroth jumped backwards and launched himself at Clarkson, hitting the exo suit so hard the former Bottom Gear presenter was thrown backwards into a wall. “God dammit!” Clarkson said, standing up. “You’ll pay for that.” Sephiroth grinned. “I doubt it.” He said simply. Clarkson’s eyes widened in fear. “You think you can win? You can’t! Y-you’ll never beat us! EVER!” He yelled, before activating a teleport and vanishing. “That cheating toenail!” Velfern said angrily “That spineless coward! That, that, that WIMP!” Vanitas got to his feet. “Look my guy we done for now. That battyman ran away so we aint in trouble.” He said. Sephiroth grunted. “You guys were in trouble? He was a pushover.” Velfern frowned. “Well not everybody is a genetically augmented super solider.” He said. Sephiroth sighed in annoyance. “I wasn’t genetically modified. Exposure to the Krabby Patty secret formulae gave me superhuman powers” he said. Velfern stared at him and said “well, not everybody has the willpower to be exposed to the Krabby Patty secret formulae” the Cheese and Onion time traveler said. Sephiroth considered this, and then said “touché.”  


Meanwhile Roxas, Xion, Zexion and Saix were walking through the super epic corridor of super epic corridorness. The Nazi forces within the castle were mostly depleted and the battle was coming to an end. They bumped into Alaxia, who was a reserve member of the organization in the event somebody (probably Demyx) got absolutely destroyed. She had a similar personality to Xion but she was physically a lot different; with long blue-black hair and larger…assets. She was presently finishing off a pair of Nazi soldiers with her whip, which she dubbed ‘fading corrosion.’ She turned around and smiled brightly when she saw the gang. “Hey guys!” she said happily. “Alaxia” Saix said, as cold as ever. Alaxia winced at his tone. Saix was always cold to her, likely because of her overly happy and kind personality. Saix really hated how people could have that. Zexion, Roxas and Xion all greeted her happily though. She always had a soft spot for the two keybearers and was presently ruffling their hair, making them laugh. Zexion had his face buried in his Manga, which followed the story of the FBI, as they hunted down Kyle McCullough for watching loli {REDACTED} and he was chuckling softly to himself. Saix drew his claymore and broke down a nearby door. The other 4 looked at him incredulously. Saix sprinted out of the room and fell over the body of Martin Luther King jr. “I suppose not all dreams come true” Saix said nonchalantly, before fortnite dancing out, Alaxia frowned, but followed, along with Xion, Roxas and Zexion. Alaxia, Roxas and Xion all jumped over Martin Luther King’s body, but Zexion fell over and dropped his book. The contents were visible to the world, and both God and Satan emerged from the ground and sky to destroy it. Zexion was sad. The Manipulator of Dissolution looked on in shock. “Good and evil really united to destroy Zexions book?” Alaxia thought to herself. She turned around and saw Roxas waiting for her. She smiled at the youngest member of the Organization and followed. Sure she was the second youngest, but she had 5 years on him, and took up a more ‘older sister’ role for him. Roxas appreciated her looking out for him. Roxas said to her “Hey Alaxia can I ask you something?” Alaxia smiled warmly at the young nobody and said “Sure! What’s up?” A slight pink tinge came to Roxas’ face, as he responded “W-well it’s not really something I want to ask with the others around.” Alaxia giggled a bit and; at his request took him to a room that had nothing but a destroyed Panzerhund and some benches. She sat down on one and said to him “okay Roxas what did you want to ask me?” Roxas shifted nervously and said “W-well ummmm so like, w-what’s sex?” Alaxia was taken aback by this, and her face reddened slightly. “Oh! W-well when two people love each other very much, they have a ‘special cuddle’ which makes them both feel very happy, and sometimes makes them have a baby!” Roxas was 15 years old, and Alaxia thought he knew all this. Then again he was very, very innocent so it was probably Xemnas who wanted to keep him away from all of those kinds of topics. “That’s it?” Roxas said incredulously. “Well not exactly.” Alaxia responded. “Really? I wanna know more!” Roxas said brightly. Alaxia smiled. “I will never understand how he can be so happy” she thought to herself. There was nobody his happiness and pure innocence couldn’t reach. Alaxia sighed in amusement and explained to him, in great detail how sex works. Roxas turned redder, and redder throughout her explanation. After she had finished her explanation, the color of Roxas’ face could be compared to that of Dark Riku’s soul eater sword. “So that’s sex!” Alaxia said brightly. “O-oh so t-t-that’s it huh? W-well it sounds…fun” the young Nobody stammered. Alaxia giggled “I wouldn’t know!” She laughed “I’ve never had it!” This made Roxas smile slightly. “So do you want to ask me anything else?” Alaxia said. “Well” Roxas said, shifting nervously “there is something” he said. “Hm?” Roxas’ face somehow turned redder. “C-could you ummm…do it with me?” he asked. Alaxia caught her breath. It was her turned to blush. “O-oh. Ummmm I mean, i-it’s not exactly something we should be doing” she said. “I-I know I-It’s just I don’t really understand it, and I figured maybe we could do it so I could learn more about it!” he said. Alaxia considered this for a moment. She did feel kinda bad for him, and he did seem genuinely curious. She sighed in amusement and said “Alright then!” Roxas was taken aback by this “Y-you’re serious?” he stammered, which made Alaxia giggle “One hundred percent!” she said, a mischievous gleam in her eyes. “Well, come here!” she said brightly. Roxas nervously stepped forward. Alaxia stood up, unzipped his coat and –

THE FOLLOWING SCENE HAS BEEN REDACTED AT THE REQUEST OF ARMACHAM TECHNOLOGY CORPORATION PRESIDENT GENIVIVE ARISTIDE IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE UNITED NATIONS, EUROPEAN UNION AND THE TORY GOVERNMENT – HAVE A NICE DAY YA SICK {REDACTED}

“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?” Rufus Shinra shouted, placing the data file down on his desk. “It’s a redacted section of the file sir” Tseng said, as professional as ever. Rude and Reno shared a glance “Just as it was getting good” the latter said, annoyed. “I don’t know, it looked pretty sus to me.” Rude said, looking pretty bored. “I thought these were live? Why are they being treated like recordings?” Rufus asked. “Sir the Armacham Technology Corporation, or ATC which was formed in 1948 has taken control of the invisible recording drones in the castle that never was. If you wish to continue observing the live feed, we will have to disable the security restrictions that Armacham has put on the Castle.” Rufus sighed. “Fine. Rude, Reno go to Armacham HQ and disable the smoothwall systems that Armacham have put on.” Rude and Reno groaned in annoyance. “Fine boss.” They both said, before exiting the room. Tseng turned to Rufus, and said in his text to speech voice “Sir, we should go and find Heidegger, who Is an antagonist in the Final Fantasy VII series and a Shinra Electric Power Company executive. As a high-ranking member of the Shinra organization, he is the head of Public Safety (a euphemism for the military.)” Rufus raised an eyebrow. “alright then let’s go.”  
Rude and Reno were slightly annoyed. Their 3-hour train journey had been completely normal and unexciting, which both of them disliked. When they arrived at Fairport station, they took their motorbikes and headed to Armacham Headquarters. They parked their motorbikes and took a look at the intimidating building. “I count 7 guards. 5 with RPL submachine guns, 2 with G2A2 assault rifles. What’s the plan?” Rude said. Reno grinned. “I’ll take the AR guys. You take the RPLs.” Rude nodded. They climbed a ladder to the roof, and Rude stealthily took down the guards. Reno used his electro baton to beat the hell out of the two guards he chose. “Done and done!” Reno said happily. The two headed into a service hatch and entered a big computer room which was conveniently empty and totally not a trap. “Hey look a big computer room which is conveniently empty and totally not a trap!” Reno said. “I don’t know Reno this seems pretty sus.” Reno looked at him and said “Nah Rude they’re all at lunch we’ll be fine!” Rude sighed but said “Fine.” They entered the room and turned on a computer. Suddenly, music began playing on the loudspeaker as about 200 ATC security guards stormed into the room. “OH NO THIS CONVINIENTLY EMPTY ROOM WHICH TOTALLY ISNT A TRAP TURNED OUT TO BE JUST LIKE CUTE ANIME GIRLS: A TRAP!” 

SONG BEGIN  
Turkey, Turkey, Turkey  
That’s a name you should know!  
Turkey, Turkey, Turkey  
They’re the stars of the show!  
They’re more than you think! They’ve got maximum kink!  
Turkey, Turkey, Turkey’s the ones!

They come right back at ya!  
They come right back at ya!  
Give it all that you've got! Take your very best shot!  
They’ll send it right back at ya for sure, yeah!

[ATC BOARD OF DIRECTORS GUY:]  
"How can I help you, Miss Aristide?"

[Aristide:]  
"I want to order some chicken wings, extra spicy!”

[ATC BOARD OF DIRECTORS GUY:]  
"That's what we do best at KFC!"

[Vanek]  
“It even comes with a coupon so you get things free!!"  
[EPIC JAZZ TRUMPETS]

[Singer]  
Oh, Turkey, Turkey, Turkey, saving the day!  
Turkey, Turkey Turkey, They’re here to stay!  
Don't be fooled by their size! You won't believe your eyes!  
Turkey! (Turkey!) Turkey! (Turkey!) Turkey! (Turkey!)  
Turkey, Turkey, Turkey’s the ones!  
Right back at ya!  
YEAH!!  
SONG END  
Reno and Rude looked horrorstruck. Reno yelled “FOR CHRISTS SAKE WE’RE THE TURKS NOT THE TURKEY’S” A security guard looked at him, mildly annoyed “Aim!” He yelled. “Well buddy, this is it! Hold me! And say those words you haven’t said since the wedding we had in roblox!” Reno said in a scared tone. Rude sighed “Ugh. Fine I guess you are my little pogchamp. Come here.” He said, holding out his arms. The two Turks hugged. But suddenly, the wall blew up. It was Rufus Shinra and Tseng! Rufus had his shotgun, and shot an ATC guard. “Lets go!” Rufus yelled. The shinra gang ran for it, while the ATC soldiers fired. “We need to shut down smoothwall!” Rufus yelled. “Don’t worry!” Rude replied. “I got this!” And he pulled out a knife and destroyed the computer. “Smoothwall is down!” He yelled. “How do we get outta here?” Reno yelled. “Don’t worry!” Rufus replied. “Tseng has the solution!” The shinra gang turned to Tseng. He was wearing the omnitrix. Rufus activated it and Tseng’s body began to stretch and convulse. A few armacham soldiers threw up. Tseng was changing! And I kid you not he turned into a helicopter. The gang jumped in to the Tsengcopter and got back to their base and turned on the live security feed. “Ooooh here we go lads!” Rufus said. But there was no sign of Roxas and Alaxia. “DAMN WE MISSED IT! IM SO ANNOYED!” Rufus screeched.  


*MEANWHILE, AT THE CASTLE WHILE SHINRA GANG WERE GETTING SMOOTHWALL DOWN*  
Vanitas, Skuld, Sephiroth and Velfern were walking down a corridor, when suddenly the heavens opened and down came a god of time named Ashida. “YO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABSOLUTE DOOBY SMOKER” Vanitas screeched. “I am Ashida and I am here to tell you Skuld isn’t really Skuld.” Ashida said. “Nah bruv that aint possible.” Vanitas said. “It’s true. This Skuld is an exact replica of the real one. The real one is presently with her real friends in New York City. This Skuld is literally a puppet.” He said, before grabbing puppet Skuld and teleporting off. “She was a puppet?” Velfern said. “YES THEN MY GUYS I’VE REGAINED MY INNOCENSE!” Vanitas yelled, prompting everybody present to stare at him in mild confusion.

MEANWHILE IN NEW YORK CITY  
The real Skuld rubbed her eyes. She was tired and the complete morons she was sharing an apartment with were keeping her awake. Lauriam was watching Imjaystation on the TV, while Brain was making a lot of noise building a device that, when completed will bring Uncle Ben back to life. Skuld got up and decided she may as well grab a drink. Her bedroom was star themed, as were her pajamas. She found stars aesthetically pleasing, and decorated various parts of her apartment with them, much to the disdain of Aced the landlord. “Hello Skuld!” Lauriam greeted her happily, chewing on a piece of brioche. “Hey Lauriam” Skuld replied tiredly. “You seen Ephemer anywhere?” Lauriam paused, swallowed his brioche and said “Yeah he’s in the bathroom. He’s been in there for ages. I wonder what he’s doing in th-oh wait nevermind there he is!” He said, as the bathroom door opened and Ephemer stepped out, drying his hands with a towel. “I’ll bake you some brioche!” Lauriam said as he ran out of the living room and immediately began committing war crimes in Pakistan to get the ingredients he needed. “So” Skuld said “How’s Brains project going?” Ephemer chuckled a bit before replying. “Well, he’s not trying to bring back Uncle Ben anymore” he said which prompted Skuld to raise an eyebrow “Do tell” the Starstruck Striker said, grinning. “He was on Twitter when he saw a post that said ‘fascism is dead’ and now Brain thinks fascism is a real person who died and he wants to bring it back.” Ephemer said. “So what happens if he activates the machine?” Skuld asked. “It’ll create the physical manifestation of Fascism” Ephemer replied. Suddenly they heard a crash from the big storage room that was in their apartment and was also conveniently large enough for Brains project. “ITS ALIVE, ITS ALIVE!” Yelled Brain. Skuld and Ephemer rushed in and saw Brain with his trademark hat on laughing jovially. Standing before him was none other than Postman Pat. “I DID IT!” Brain yelled. “I BROUGHT FASCISM BACK FROM THE DEAD!” Ephemer and Skuld shared a look. “Wait a minute.” Skuld muttered to Ephemer. “Does that mean Postman Pat is the physical manifestation of Fascism?” Ephemer was trying hard not to laugh so only nodded in response. “I mean sure, the 16th Reich is a thing, as are Hitler and the Nazis, but they aren’t pure fascism.” Brain said to Pat. “I should jolly well hope not!” Pat responded, patting Brain on the shoulder. “Now then, I’ve got letters to deliver! All of them to a place called ‘the castle that never was’ which is owned by a man named Xemnas. Rightio then! Off we pop!” Pat said, grabbing Brain, Ephemer and Skuld and placing them in the back of his Royal Mail van and driving out of the window of the skyscraper. He was going to deliver Xemnas his letter, and be done with it. No matter what. 

MEANWHILE AT THE CASTLE THAT NEVER WAS  
Xigbar jumped backwards, laughing as he summoned his arrowguns. “Ha ha! This gets the blood pumpin’! Those Nazis were getting boring!” He said jovially. The majority of the Nazi forces had retreated from the castle, but released some giant blood Wyrms as a parting gift. Luxord, Lexaeus and Demyx all rushed forwards, weapons ready but Xigbar yelled “Get back! If you get too close these things will latch onto you and suck the liquids out of you faster than Demyx’s mum when the rents due!” Demyx scowled “DON’T BRING MY MOTHER INTO THIS!” the Melodious Nocturne yelled angrily. “Don’t worry Demyx your mum is a 7.4 easily. She’s pretty good at getting the money she needs” Xigbar replied offhandedly. “She gargles like Homer Simpson when he sees donuts!” He continued while grinning. The Wyrm lunged at him but he jumped backwards and fired 3 plasma bolts into it, incinerating its head. “Easy peasy lemon squeezy” Xigbar said happily. “Pretty pog if I do say so myself!” Luxord inclined his head. “Well then!” Xigbar exclaimed. “lets bounce like Demyx’s mum on the bed and get outta here! Xemnas probably needs us!” And off the gang went to find Xemnas. 

Vanitas was sad. His girlfriend was a puppet the whole time? All this time he had been single? Vanitas sat on a chair, gun in hand as he prepared to join with the ones whos lives had been lost. Suddenly, the window broke and Ashida entered, Skuld sleeping in his arms. “Oh my days you brought her back? She’s not real my guy, ya said so yourself.” Vanitas said sadly. Ashida grinned. “I made her real. Now the puppet is flesh and blood, complete with a heart. She’s just as human as you or me.” Vanitas was elated! “My guy you serious? YOOO BRUV YOU ABSOLUTE LEGEND!” Ashida chuckled and said “Have fun!” and proceeded to metamorphose into a portrait of a very large pile of ash, and fly off into the sunset. “Vanitas?” Skuld said tiredly. “YES THEN SKULD!” Vanitas cried, before removing her clothes. “V-Vanitas? What are you doing please stop!” She cried but Vanitas was already {DATA EXPUNGED} in her, again and again and again. Velfern entered the room, while eating some wotsits and saw what was going on. The cheese and onion time traveler backed out of the room, closing the door behind him. 

Xehanort was angry. Very angry. Clarksons attack had failed and now Xemnas’ band of idiots were ready for his forces. “You summoned me master?” Came a voice from behind him. Xehanort turned to see his younger self (I’m not even gonna try and explain, just go with it.) “Yes I did” Xehanort said. “You are to inform Hitler that the attack is coming earlier than expected. Tell him to ready his forces and expect a large scale enemy attack within a week or so.” Xehanort turned round to look over the cliffside for dramatic effect. “Soon the ꭓ blade will be forged and when it is, all of creation will bow at our feet.” He said. Young Xehanort nodded “Indeed master. I look forward to it.” A Nazi guard entered. “Sir!” He said. “Clarkson has just returned with his remaining troops. Should I tell him you wish to speak to him?” Young Xehanort let out a growl of contempt at Clarksons failure, while Master Xehanort smiled. “Yes. Tell him to come to the cliffside immediately so we can…have a talk.” 

The FIAT punto ground to a halt. Aqua sighed angrily. “Are we there yet?” Axel asked and Aqua, who had to deal with his antics for 16 hours finally exploded “NO YOU WORM BRAINED CRETIN WE ARE NOT THERE YET. YOU HAVE BEEN ASKING THE SAME QUESTION FOR 16 GODDAMN HOURS AND EVERY SINGLE TIME ITS BEEN THE SAME ANSWER. NO. WE ARE NOT THERE YET. SO SHUT THE HELL UP YOU HOT TOPIC LOOKING, SUBWAY EATING, ORGANIZATION BETRAYING, SONIC FAN CHARACTER.” Aqua yelled, before regaining her composure. She turned round and saw Ventus and VLS hiding behind their seats. She gasped. “Oh I'm so sorry!” She cried. “Hey Ven, there’s a gas station nearby. Oddly convenient. You don’t mind going with Vanitas and getting some for us right? Axel and I need to have a little chat.” Ventus and VLS were out of the vehicle so fast they accidentally broke the light barrier and caused a cataclysm in an alternate timeline. “Not gonna lie bruv, Aquas kinda hot when she’s angry.” VLS said. Ventus only nodded. “My guy is you good?” VLS asked. Ventus was shifting uncomfortably, clearly trying to hide something. VLS didn’t know but Ventus was currently at full mast and was desperate to deal with it. VLS just shrugged, not bothering to ask more questions and proceeded to take a childs pogo stick, hit the parents with it while the 5 year old was crying, and then gave the 5 year old a slice of cake which had a razor blade baked into it. While VLS watched the child eat the cake, Ventus headed over to a nearby bush to deal with his...problem.

MEANWHILE IN THE BAKERY THAT NEVER WAS

Marluxia and Xaldin sat at a little table drinking liquified bread and eating frozen tea. A few people were vibing at another nearby table. All of them were strange. This one guy with really ginger hair was talking about Venice, another boy with blue hair was playing tic tac toe with a girl who had silver hair done up in a ponytail, while a tiny girl in a purple robe was humming the song "won't back down" happily. The two nobodies finished their meal and stood up. Marluxia summoned his scythe, grabbed the silver haired girl and kissed her right on the mouth. Xaldin looked on in horror. Her friends were on the ground now for some reason. Suddenly, the ground shook. The floor broke open and the Imperial Japanese army emerged, looking very angry. Marluxia picked up the silver haired girl, along with alot of bread and ran for it. Xaldin followed screaming incoherently.


End file.
